Another Conversation With Those Cognitive-Dissonant Southern GOP Hillbillies, Bubba and Gomer

Last we checked, Gomer and Bubba were openly carrying AK-47s in a Wal-Mart just to intimidate innocent citizens. Since open carry is the law of the South, there is nothing law enforcement can do to stop them. Bubba followed a black couple around the store in case one of them picked up a water gun; he was ready to blast away and claim self-defense. Gomer discouraged shoppers from browsing the book aisle where copies of Hillary Clinton’s autobiography were prominently displayed.

I sat down to interview the pea-brained pair to gather their thoughts about the current state of the union.

BUBBA: ‘Merika’s goin’ to hell.

ME: Why’s that, Bubba?

BUBBA: Gotch your blacks all riled up over this Rebel flag bidness. Now they’s taking it down in South Carolina. The last great symbol of southern heritage. What a shame.

ME: It represents slavery, oppression and hatred to our African-American citizens.

BUBBA: Taint got nothing to do with ‘em.

GOMER: Yep. Why cain’t they just collect their food stamps and welfare checks and shut the hell up?

ME: According to a TIME magazine analysis of county-by-county food stamp enrollment data nationwide, GOP politicians represent more districts that participate in SNAP than Democrats. In fact, the county with the highest national rate of SNAP beneficiaries is Owsley County, Kentucky, which is 99.22% white and 95% Republican. Yet it’s Republicans who are always screaming about cutting welfare benefits of those who really need it.

GOMER: Time magazine is a comnist rag.

BUBBA: That reminds me, Gom, we get that SNAP check this week?

GOMER: Hey (changing the subject), what about that Obama trying to take our guns away. Damn uppity, nigra.

ME: Under Obama, gun ownership has increased, not decreased. And overall, background checks have become less restrictive. There are more guns and gun deaths than ever before in America.

BUBBA: Damn good thing…the more killin’ there is, the more freedom we have.

ME: How do you figure?

BUBBA: Y’all heard of ‘Stand Yer Ground’ ain’t ya? Well, that jes means that people ain’t puttin’ up with no shit from the coloreds. We’s got a right to fire back. Just read the Constitution.

ME: But doesn’t stand your ground conflict with open carry? If you intimidate innocent citizens with by openly carrying weapons in public places like parks, stores, restaurants and churches, don’t they have the right to stand their ground and shoot you because they feel threatened?

GOMER: (His small cerebellum twisted into knots.) That’s right…uh, er, I dunno. Iffin’ someone wants to fire at me…well, goddamn it, let ‘em. I got this here AK-47; let’s see if they’s gonna stand they ground then.

ME: So we should all carry guns to protect ourselves from people like you? Do you see how that might be a bit dangerous?

BUBBA: The hell you say. I’m beginning to think you’re one of them comnist agitators.

GOMER: (Pointing his gun at me.) Now whaddya have to say for yourself, pinko?

ME: Hooray for Mike Huckabee and the NRA? We’re officially living in the Old West again?

BUBBA: That’s more like it. Now let’s teach you sumpin about the Bible, commie.
[To be continued.]