Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger Owes An Apology To No One Except His Wife

Maybe he should just change his name to Kitty Kat, because today Tiger Woods looked for all the world like a contrite (read eviscerated), chastened (read "brought into line by corporate America and its lackey media"), and cajone-less pussycat. And for what? Why is he standing before the global media apologizing for his private life. When did his private life become anyone's business except for his and his family's?

Personally, I could not care less that he violated his marriage vows by acting like a male slut. I care only about his driving and putting. He is the greatest golfer the world has ever seen, and I used to get a kick out of seeing him stick it to the figurative man: he regularly scorched the lilly white-Republican PGA tour by blowing past all his milquetoast competitors. A black man bringing a conservative, hypocritical-Puritan institution to its that's must-see TV.

Now that's all gone, because today Tiger kowtowed to the man. My feeling is that he does not give a rat's ass what we think about his behavior; it's his corporate masters he must please. Since his "ho-ing" became public knowledge, Tiger has lost most of his corporate endorsements, worth billions of dollars. It is to them he must submit and conform. It is to them that he must erect a facade of what shareholders and consumers consider acceptable. In doing so, Tiger proves that he is not so different from you and me. He even said, "...the same rules that apply to you, apply to me." We are all captives of corporate America.

Here's the speech I wish Tiger had delivered:

"I have called you together to announce that I am today resuming my golf career, and that I no longer consider it appropriate for any media person to pry into my private life. I apologize for nothing I have done; My behavior is no one's business but mine and my wife's. If infidelity were a basis for a man to be disqualified from competing on the PGA tour, we'd have no one left but the fucking caddies. Therefore, I will grant no further interviews to any TV, print, internet, or radio outlet. Furthermore, I am putting you on notice that if you say or write one false thing about me or my family, I will hire some bulldog lawyers to sue your asses with my very deep pockets. And one more thing, all you cowardly, white, pseudo-Christian golfers, who said bad things about me when I was gone: you'd better take cover. I'm going to kick your ass in every tournament we play, from now until the day I retire."

But that's just me; I'm poor enough and obscure enough to not give a damn what others think of me.