The GOP (Gathering of Primitives) At My Door

I watched the HBO documentary "The Right Feeling Wronged" last night, and I got the same clammy, cloying feeling that haunted me throughout the 2008 presidential campaign. The documentary, filmed by Nancy Pelosi's daughter, profiles McCain rallies and the stunningly prejudiced, backwards knuckle-draggers who attended them. Full of hatred and violent tendencies, these people were a scary, uneducated, shockingly stupid bunch. In Mississippi a truck driver said, "I ain't gonna vote for no nigger." In Pennsylvania a handyman said, "I don't want no one taxing me out of business." When informed that Obama intended to increase taxes on the wealthiest 1% of individuals only, the handyman thought about that for a moment (no doubt, overloading all of his available neurosynapses), and then replied, "Well, I don't want nobody helping me out. That's socialism." In Virginia, at a youth church rally, a 20-year-old who was wearing a tee shirt which read "Nobama, no socilism" [sic], was asked for his definition of socialism (this after being told that he had misspelled the word on his tee shirt). The kid tried to look it up on his cell phone and then sputtered, "Well...I know that it's somewheres in-between communism and that other thing...you know...what's that called? You know, where Hitler was." In St. Louis a teabagger attacked an Obama supporter and wrestled him to the ground as the other GOP fascists cheered him on. In Ohio a middle-aged white man called Obama the antichrist. In Pennsylvania some farmers claimed that Obama, if elected, was going to personally come to their houses and steal their guns from them.

Pelosi's kid could have made them look even worse by asking more direct and penetrating questions, but she backed off and seemed satisfied to let them indict themselves. I was reminded of the time a couple of pro-lifers had the audacity to knock on my door and insist I vote Republican in the coming election. I relished the opportunity to ground their logic into a pulp. The conversation went something like this.

"The GOP is pro-life; the Democrats are murderers," sniffed the Bible-thumpers.

"Really?" I smirked. "Then why does the GOP support the death penalty? Thousands of innocent people are electrocuted every year in this country. Why does the GOP support the NRA? Thousands of innocent citizens die every year from gun accidents. Why does the GOP support the war in Iraq? Thousands of Americans have died unnecessarily in an immoral, unjust war there. Why is the GOP against health care for all? Millions die each year because they have no health care. It seems to me the GOP wants to protect human beings only before they actually become human beings. I guess the GOP is anti-abortion because it wants to make sure there are a good supply of Americans to enjoy killing off once they are born and become human beings...or fresh meat, as McCain supporters call them."

The Bible thumpers' jaws dropped open, as they attempted to formulate a response which would impugn my patriotism and allegiance to the one true God. As their cerebellum (what little there is) gyrated madly, I plowed over more of their sacred ground. "Since you call yourselves Bible experts, you must be familiar with the passages which implore us to be our brothers' keepers and to honor the least among us. As applied to health care, that seems to suggest that Christ would want all of his children to be saved from the suffering of ill health, even if it meant that those who are more well-off should pay for it."

At this point the Bible thumpers' faces turned from red to purple to ashen, as they racked their brains for the words that would put me in my place. "You're one of those...leftists," sputtered one of them.

"Yes, I am," I stated calmly, "and, thanks to you Republicans, private property is more valuable than intellectual freedom in this country, so if you don't get off my property now, I'll call the cops. And because your leaders value the Second Amendment much more than the First Amendment, if you come back I can shoot you with my concealed weapon."

The angry primitives scampered away to assualt my neighbors with more GOP drivel.